OH BANDEY...
Arrre rukh ja re bandey…
Hai badal chaya aasma pe-
Tu naa naoh laga
Garaj rahi hai, baras rahi hai
Unmatt bhaw se lapat-jhapat
Oh bandey peeche toh dekh ek bar…
Bhishan prahar kare kaun naa-jan
Karan naa-jan, seema aanjan
Bandey tu naja re majh dhar
Saath naa chor, oh bandey-Kathin safar hai-
Durr aasma peh kahin likha manzar hai
Bandey tham le hath hamar-
Safar kathin chale hai humrahi
Aanjana sabb des gaye
Larr-jhagar kareb aye hum-
Abhi bandey rukhja tu ek bar!
Ye badal baras hai andar
Mann meh hai dard bhara
Iss sansar meh oh bandey!
Sath chalke bhi nah koi sathi bana…
Toh rukh jah re bandey
Ek bar hi sahi…oh bandey
Iss more peh chor ke naa-
Tu chala chal uss par…
Phir… bandey hum tum kaun kahar-
posted by der Bergwind @ 10:42 AM
5 Comments:
Hey Sapt.. my my.. pleasantly surprised.. Hindi and all..
Great try..and happy that you even attempted ..how many of us would bother to...
since you so earnestly asked for a 'serious feedback'..here goes..
Loved the basic underlying thought..felt that the rhythm, meter, tempo was erratic..If not a blank verse then uniformity in meter is a must.
All that is needed is perhaps a re-edit..
e.g. Re write 4th para as
saath na chhod , kathin safar hai,
door aasmaan pe kahin likha/taiy( pre-determined) manzar hai
bandey thaam le haath hamar..
Bhalo?
also 2nd line.. aasmaan par..not pe.
Looks like I'm taking my name 'zyaada seriously'..
Keep writing.. id love to keep critiquing..
thats a welcome surprise!
kamdev took over much before i saw ur 'matribhasha' piece!
it was a pleasant surprise, it had a strong local flavour which i liked.
Nice one..fist i thought that it was a song from Black friday while goin through the first line..
But lovely composition...
Take care...
Hindi?? Beautiful nonetheless!!
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